Baby wipes. They are a necessity aren't they? Not only for wiping tiny bottoms but for every day tasks like cleaning....I use the term everyday very loosely. With one little person you could probably get away with using a flannel for a day but with two active bottoms I just don't have enough flannels to go round! Nor the energy to be constantly washing them. So with Ian off to work until 6pm this called for one thing...a trip to the shopping centre.
GASP! I know, I know. What kind of crazy woman am I? One who doesn't want to be scrubbing face washers all afternoon thats who! Plus I don't have a vegetable left in the house, last week I had to take some frozen peas in Oli's lunchbox to an outing just so I could cover the fruit n veg component of his diet without being judged by the other mums.
So with the estimated temperature around 43 degrees today I decided I better get there first thing and home back into the aircon ASAP. As I'm breastfeeding Ruby she has an explosion in her pants. I put her on the floor to get the...WIPES?! As I'm searching I hear Oli announcing 'POO! POO!' Faaaaantastic! Right, shower for all three of us! Ruby boobed, into her capsule, Oli dressed and peeled OUT of the capsule wheres he's squishing Ruby and we are pretty much ready to leave.
We cruise off to the shops with Ruby screaming and Oli repeatedly letting me know that Ruby is screaming. Thanks Ol! As we arrive I'm relieved that NO ONE else has the idea to get to the shops at 830am because there are so many mum and bub car bays free! I consider reverse parking into one but that is waaaay beyond my capabilities right now so I just zoom on in. It only takes me about 10 minutes to set up my double pram and collect all my belongings after a slight scare as I momentarily lose my keys in the boot.
Off we set and I feel surprisingly relaxed as I push my 30kg pram up the travelator. It's so cool in the shopping centre I think I could spend all day here! Instead of popping into woolies which is right at the front door I make a split second decision to go across the whole centre to the asian greengrocer, the fruit and veg is so much better there! You could say this was my first mistake.
Double pram and tiny aisles don't really mix. I leave my pram in an awkward and very inconvenient spot for everyone else as I buzz back and forth filling my basket to the brim. While I'm perusing the spinach leaves and weighing up between green smoothies or salmonella, I hear oli yelling out PEPPA, PEPPA! Hmm I think, what an imagination. But it was in fact a true statement, I FOOLISHLY parked him in front of the drinks fridge. I then EVEN MORE foolishly, in a moment of complete stupidity go to the fridge and GIVE him a Peppa Pig fruit 'drink' NOT juice! Drink! AKA kid cocaine.
I push my pram come trolley to the counter where I unpack every veggie under the sun. All of a sudden there are about 3 people in line behind me waiting impatiently. Usually I would feel rushed today however I figure I have just as much right to be buying my fruit n veg, as some middle aged male ass in a suit!
I hear the total and grab my wallet. When I open it I remember Oli went through and scattered all my cards over the house a few days ago. Cue a mini heartattack as I'm searching for my card for about 30 seconds which feels like a LIFETIME! I can hear huffing and puffing behind me. Finally I find it, grab my receipt and I'm off. Well not really I push and push my pram and it's not moving! Shit I think, I didn't buy THAT much?!! Ahh my brakes on, what a fool. Lucky my audience is only older men who look down on young mothers like myself and our prams anyway, REGARDLESS of my complete incapability to work a break.
I pop into the health food shop and this is probably my second mistake. I think to myself 'Wow Ol is soo well behaved today!' Forgetting the reason he is so quiet is because he's madly sucking on cocaine juice. He drinks it dry in about 5 minutes and promptly flies into his best and loudest rendition of Lah, lahs big live band. The woman at the counter is clearly thrilled with our patronage as the spring onions hanging out the side of my pram are repeatedly hitting things off the shelves. As we get to the counter Oli has moved on to an a-capella of Rah Rah the noisy lion.
After leaving the shop I'm pretty sure I need to be admitted to the burns ward. The 3rd degree STARES I was copping from that woman were incredible. On another level! She didn't even say a word to me except '$11.57' all the while glaring at Oli as if he was sucking on a bottle of cocai.....oops I guess he was! I know it's not ideal for a 2 year old to be drinking a sugar loaded fruit DRINK at 830 in the morning and singing theme songs at the top of his lungs but thats MY decision woman! Judge me all you like but I'm pretty sure you have probably done something similar in your time! Plus my care factor is about a minus 10 right now because Ruby has joined in and is hitting the high notes as Oli takes a deep breath for the chorus.
I stroll back through the shops and pop into a few clothes shop on the way. Gazing at the clothes that don't fit my needs because I'm A) breastfeeding B) not wanting to show off every lump and bump of my body OR C) never actually leaving the house.
I nearly run over 3 people as I make a last minute sharp turn towards Red Dot. I simply MUST go in and buy every pack of wishing stones on the shelf for my mosaics because....I rarely leave the house! Again I battle through the skinny aisles, constantly running over things. Oli who is clearly in another dimension after his hit is just grabbing things off shelves and throwing them into our path. I'm quite enjoying it as Ruby is asleep and Oli is quietly causing havok. I almost leave the store with a shoplifter as well as a junkie when I realise his arms are full of packs of inflatable travel pillows. Have you ever tried to take something off a toddler who is under the INFLUENCE??? Picture this...actually I'll let your imagination take it from here. The sheer effort of DEALING with it first hand has scarred me for life, I simply cannot relive it. Let's just say we are now the proud owners of three inflatable travel pillows. Haha! Just kidding, I may be weak when it comes to fruit 'DRINKS' but not useless items! AIR Travel?!!!!!!! WHAT IS THAT?!
My last stop is Woolworths where I load my pram up with all of the necessities that I have suddenly remembered I need. Space is extremely limited so poor Rube is getting bits and bobs piled up on her. I ruin the day for a few more people who have to wait behind me as I unload everything from my pram onto the self serve checkout. But honestly, what makes YOUR groceries so much MORE important than mine?!?! I think I need my bread and milk MORE THAN YOU! LOOK AT MY LIFE!! Tea and toast is my LIFELINE!
Oli repeatedly throws his Peppa bottle on the floor and after I give him 3 chances to have it back I hide it under the pram. His world has ended by being separated by his beloved drink so he starts screaming. Ruby is awake because I piled too many deli packages on her so she starts screaming. People are staring to stare and are judging me but I literally DO NOT CARE because all I want is my magazine and lotto ticket. On second thought the line is ridiculous and I can't be bothered waiting. I take my two screaming children and my pram which is now about 100kgs and potentially a deadly MISSILE on the travelator to the car.
I'm greeted by an old man who sits with his indicator on for about 15 minutes as I unpack the kids, shopping, crap etc into my car. His scowl is nothing short of hilarious to me as I go slower and slower. If I had some real guts I would have stormed over and said ' You DO realise this is a MUM and BABY car bay!' But alas I do not so I zoom home towards the safety of my house, air con and cup of tea. Only to realise...
I forgot the wipes.