Bargaining with a two year old 101

Believe it or not I use to be cool. Carefree, laid back, relaxed, SPONTANEOUS even! I would pride myself on my bubbly personality and the fact that I viewed everything in a positive light. Well I can tell you something recently my bubbles have been popping at a rapid rate and my positive light is a flicker in the wind. I have been dealing with a lets call it 'challenge' that has absolutely pushed me to the edge. No its not my new baby, my husband or the postnatal hormonal roller coaster I've been riding. It's my best friend....yay high to a grasshopper, blonde hair, blue eyes, cute as a button....THE DREADED TWO YEAR OLD.

Oli turned two just last week, but as everyone knows the terrible TWO'S start long before the birthday! I think it started at about beautiful baby turned into a toddler. It's bittersweet really...I find myself torn between being incredibly proud that he can do things himself. 'He just turned on the tv with his teeth!' to 'Oh my god get down and for the THOUSANDTH TIME stop turning on the coffee machine! It really is like living with multiple personalities, and thats just mine! 

"Hey babe how was your d....OLI GET DOWN FROM THE TABLE!" 

"Oh yeh we had a great time at the par.....OLI ENOUGH! WE HAD A SMOOTHIE THISMORNING PUT THE NUTRIBULLET BACK!!!!"

"So how was your daaaa....OLI stop it! Get off my legs! Don't wake up your sister! APPLES are NOT BALLS! PUT THAT CHAIR BACK! Dont you DARE THROW THAT AT ME!"

I'm ashamed to say I have been shouty mum quite a bit over the past few months. Sometimes (ALOT of the time!) He pushes my buttons so efficiently I just crack. These days I'm more into bargaining. Having a new baby around and all, I try to avoid too much conflict. He's like a little bomb that could explode at any moment, I'll try just about ANYTHING to avoid that explosion. This is definitely put into play when people are visiting. All I can say is thank you lord for ABC iview! My main tool for bargaining! Cue me smiling and talking to friends, guests, visitors etc and Oli going berserk at my legs, on the table, in cupboards, on floor anywhere he shouldn't be...just use your imagination. I start rolling out my offers like an auctioneer; 

"Peppa pig?!"  

"Baby jake?!"  

"The wiggles?!"  

Bing! it is! Bings the lucky winner. Hallelujah!!! 

Press play on bing and let the protests begin, silly me I interpreted "gakwkdkdiffBING for bing please mum!"  

Tv lasts for all of five minutes until I have to roll out all my other offers. I must have been a used car salesman in my previous life because I can sell things like a pro. Anything to give me FIVE MINUTES of adult conversationnnnn!!

"Ooh oli would you like some SULTANAS!? YUMMY sultanas you lucky boy!" 

"Grapes?! Would you like a bowl of grapes?! Juicy juicy grapes!"

"How about some cheese?? yum you looooove cheese!" 

"Wheres your firetrucks ol?!?! Go find the BIG neeenaw!"

"Ooh bring mummy your trains! Wheres Thomas?! Where is he???!"

"Was that the rubbish truck?! I think it WAS! QUICK QUICK! Go to the window!"

"Ol was that the MAILMAN!!! Go see if he's there!"

If all else fails...."Ol put on your boots, go check on the chooks!" Cue screaming and crying banging on the backdoor to come back inside. 

Ive done some pretty tough jobs in my time, you know...seen some things. But nothing I mean NOTHING compares to bargaining with an totally irrational toddler. Hell I gave birth 6 weeks ago, give me that every week rather than dealing with visitors and the pure insanity that is an attention seeking two year old. 

Don't get me wrong I love my Oli. He is the light of my life! Makes every day worth living, best thing that ever get the drill. However at the end of the day he often makes me look like a crazy person, like a nut, someone who has completely lost their shit. People without kids, no even people with kids leave my company surely commenting "Oh poor El! What a life haha! She's surely hit rock bottom!"

Well things might be hard but I haven't hit rock bottom just yet. I don't drive a van, I don't wear jeans with joggers and I manage at least one shower a day. That is until the internet connection fails and ABC iview isn't working and then its world war bloody three and IM AT ROCK BOTTOM!!! SEND HELP ASAAAAAP!