Ok, I feel pregnant now. Before it was fairly easy getting around and chasing after Oli, now it's becoming a tad harder. Most days I'm fine but I've been having the odd few where I can't even articulate how I feel I just feel 'pregnant' Feeling huge, stretched just blergh. I love pregnancy but it's little the things taking their toll. For example I get so many tightenings, not painful but certainly uncomfortable. They mostly happen when I'm bending down with Oli or when he's climbing over me and hitting my belly. THE CONSTANT CLIMBING OVER ME IS DRIVING ME INSAAAANE.
That brings me to my next point. I'm so irritable, Oli just annoys the bajeeeesus out of me. On days like today when Ian's been working and hasn't been around, the constant one on one time with Oli is so draining. I feel like the worlds shittest mother because I'm either yelling at him because he's doing something like sitting on the table peeling five bananas because my lazy ass is on the couch not watching him or I'm pushing him off me as he's trying to play fight, or he's standing on my feet pulling down my pyjama pants (because thats pretty much the extent of my wardrobe these days) He doesn't seem too phased by my constant grumbling at him but five minutes later I feel bad because he's just a little boy! I nearly cried in the shops the other day when I heard a mum yelling at her little boy. He would have been about 7 or 8 and had tears running down his face when I looked at him. I could have bundled him up and taken him home! Here I am being Mrs judgey wudgey when I'm yelling at my poor little toddler who is getting up to mischief because I'm too tired to properly supervise or entertain him!
I feel bad because I made the choice to have another baby. I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt that he will no longer be the centre of attention and he won't like me anymore! If I'm already a moody bitch now whats going to happen when I have a new baby too? I'm sure most women have these feelings. I'm giving him a best friend for life so surely that makes up for my cranky ass behaviour right?! I'm sure it will all work out fine, but when you are tired and emotional with a toddler who has ALL the energy in the world some days theres bound to be tears...for both of us! His are crocodile tears for not getting another biscuit, mine are real tears for "where the hell is your bloody father!!!!!!!"
Overall my pregnancy is going beautifully. I've been well, touch wood my back pain has RESOLVED! Woo! I have the most active little baby in my tummy who is constantly moving and pushing little knobbly limbs out. The joy and happiness I feel for this pregnancy makes up all the emotions and shitty feelings I had when I was pregnant with Oli. Until you have had a complex pregnancy you truly cannot understand what its like. I feel so light now, worry free. Is this how every woman feels?! I'm not scared to give birth, not at all, in fact I can't wait to do it! Although my birth with Oli was very complicated, scary, overwhelming I still walked away from it with this amazing feeling of 'WOW! I can now do anything because I just bloody gave birth!!!'
With 8 weeks to go I'm feeling more and more ready. I have my new pram, capsule, cot. I've sorted all my baby clothes out. I have cleaned out all of my kitchen cupboards, kitchen pantry, bathroom cupboards, sorted out Oli's toys and clothes. We have put up shelves in our study for all my books. I still need to get a double bed for my spare room which will happen in the next few weeks. We have been pottering around in the garden and it's so beautiful now to sit and have my cup of tea as Oli plays. I can't wait for the weather to clear up so we can spend more time out there. I was in such a dark place the last two summers. I really can't wait for this one, I'm feeling so settled in my house and our routine. I can't wait for our new addition to just slip into our little family. People keep telling me how tired I'm going to be, how hard it will be having Oli and a newborn. I'm not scared, after everything we went through with Oli I'm up for the challenge. I have the most supportive husband, family and friends. I'm ready for this change. So baby I'm ready when you are! Preferably at term thank you very much, any time of day or night but hopefully when Ian has started his holidays, on a day thats not too hot, and I've done a big food shop and the house is clean. Got it? Thanks :)